Living with the fear of death

What?  You're going to tell me you don't fear death at all?  I call bullshit on that one.

I don't "fear death" in that I'm afraid it's going to hurt or be scary.  I worry about the people I will leave behind.  Will they be ok?  How will they adjust?  What if they still need me?  I worry about losing the people I love the most!!!  What will I do without them?  What if they suffer?  How will I go on?  The idea of losing my husband, my son, my mother... unbearable topics as far as I'm concerned.  I can't imagine that kind of loss. 

Those of you following me know I've started a journey towards health and fitness.  Originally when I started, I focused mainly on those little jeans in my closet I want to eventually fit into.  Every day I climb onto that elliptical at 5am.  Every day I religiously track every morsel that goes into my mouth.  I'm using a website to record how I work out and what I'm eating with the hopes that I'll lose a pound or two each week as I gradually get closer to my goal weight.  I use the forums and groups on this website to express frustration, ask questions, or boast success.  Today I read a post from a member that really made a lot of sense to me.  When I looked up his profile I saw that he blogged and his blog was titled "Living with fear of death".  I looked him up and the first blog to pop up was a story about his mother, her diagnosis of Alzheimer's, and her eventual passing.  It was a beautiful story.  In his post on my weightloss website he asked us... "why are you losing weight?" and answered that his reason was his 9 year old daughter and his desire to walk her down the aisle one day.  If you were to ask me... I would tell you that my son is my reason as well.  I am scared shitless of leaving my beautiful, kind, smart, funny, precious baby boy before I see him married with children in college or older!  I can't control if I develop something like Alzheimer's... but I can control clogged arteries, high blood pressure, diabetes.... I can... and I will.

Thank you for sharing Patrick... you just doubled my motivation.  It's ok to fear death... but fear it for the right reasons.

And with that, I will also brag that I am down 10 lbs as of today... I have gotten up at 5am to work out for at least 20 minutes (usually more like 45) for the past 10 days.  I have tracked what I'm eating and have stayed within my calorie goal for 11 days straight.  I already feel stronger, happier, and in control.  I still have a long way to go and it will probably take the better part of a year... but I am committed... if not for myself and those skinny jeans... for my son Holden.

Hawaiian Paradise

It's funny how something as simple as a color of nail polish can give you clarity.  I bought this awesome bright teal color and painted my toes this weekend.  I was in the shower this afternoon, admiring my toes, when I came to a realization.  I love this color because it reminds me of the person I want to be.

I have a picture of myself from 2004.  In this picture I'm really really happy.  I have on these jeans that I absolutely love.  So much so that they still hang in my closet to this day.  I had originally tried them on in a size 18 but they were a little too big and I didn't want to pay full price on jeans that didn't fit.  A few months later I found them for $8 on sale... in a size 16... and they fit perfectly.  In this photo of me, I've lost enough weight that I can pull them down off my hips fully zipped and buttoned.  I lost a lot of weight in 2004 and I finally became comfortable in my skin.  I no longer had to hide under clothes that covered my every flaw.  I could shop at every store and find something that fit me.  I was tanned from a summer spent at the lake and pool running around in my bathing suit because I wasn't embarrassed to wear one anymore.  In 2004 I finally got to dress like the person I always felt that I was...

I love bright colors.  I love crazy earrings, unusual clothing, eyeshadow in rainbow colors.  I barely show it lately.  I'm back to hiding again.  I only show my colorful side in glimpses.  I have gained back most of the weight I lost.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin again.  I'm not happy.

Becoming a mom has been the best thing I ever did... so far... but now it's time to take control of my life.  I need to live... not just for myself, but for my son and husband.  I've ordered DDP Yoga and I've made arrangements to buy an elliptical off a friend of mine.  I tore my ACL last September so I have to be careful to not injure myself given how out of shape I am... but now is the time to change.  Rob is offshore for what could turn into a very long hitch.  He is offshore getting healthy because he has access to a gym and can just worry about feeding himself so he can make healthy choices... plus he can't drink alcohol offshore.  Sounds stupid but really, we drink and it packs on the pounds.  While he is gone, I'm going to do the same.  I can feed myself healthy foods because I only have to please my own stomach and I can wake up early and exercise and I can avoid alcohol since I'm the only one who can bring it into the house.  

My goal is to work out 3-5 times a week.  Might require building up to that.  Eating healthy.  Avoid drinking alcohol unless out socially.  3 things.  Not so hard right?  I think I'll dig out my pre and post pregnancy yoga to get started on since the DDP takes up to two weeks to get here.  At least I'll be a little more flexible and used to waking up at 5am by then.

I'm going to try to document my progress here.... so here we go.  It starts Monday May 21, 2012.


Thanks little bottle of teal nail polish... I hope to live up to your vibrantness soon.