Thursday, May 31, 2012

Living with the fear of death

What?  You're going to tell me you don't fear death at all?  I call bullshit on that one.

I don't "fear death" in that I'm afraid it's going to hurt or be scary.  I worry about the people I will leave behind.  Will they be ok?  How will they adjust?  What if they still need me?  I worry about losing the people I love the most!!!  What will I do without them?  What if they suffer?  How will I go on?  The idea of losing my husband, my son, my mother... unbearable topics as far as I'm concerned.  I can't imagine that kind of loss. 

Those of you following me know I've started a journey towards health and fitness.  Originally when I started, I focused mainly on those little jeans in my closet I want to eventually fit into.  Every day I climb onto that elliptical at 5am.  Every day I religiously track every morsel that goes into my mouth.  I'm using a website to record how I work out and what I'm eating with the hopes that I'll lose a pound or two each week as I gradually get closer to my goal weight.  I use the forums and groups on this website to express frustration, ask questions, or boast success.  Today I read a post from a member that really made a lot of sense to me.  When I looked up his profile I saw that he blogged and his blog was titled "Living with fear of death".  I looked him up and the first blog to pop up was a story about his mother, her diagnosis of Alzheimer's, and her eventual passing.  It was a beautiful story.  In his post on my weightloss website he asked us... "why are you losing weight?" and answered that his reason was his 9 year old daughter and his desire to walk her down the aisle one day.  If you were to ask me... I would tell you that my son is my reason as well.  I am scared shitless of leaving my beautiful, kind, smart, funny, precious baby boy before I see him married with children in college or older!  I can't control if I develop something like Alzheimer's... but I can control clogged arteries, high blood pressure, diabetes.... I can... and I will.

Thank you for sharing Patrick... you just doubled my motivation.  It's ok to fear death... but fear it for the right reasons.

And with that, I will also brag that I am down 10 lbs as of today... I have gotten up at 5am to work out for at least 20 minutes (usually more like 45) for the past 10 days.  I have tracked what I'm eating and have stayed within my calorie goal for 11 days straight.  I already feel stronger, happier, and in control.  I still have a long way to go and it will probably take the better part of a year... but I am committed... if not for myself and those skinny jeans... for my son Holden.

No comments:

Post a Comment